In this video, the focus is on transforming interpersonal conflicts or challenging situations, referred to as “tigers,” into opportunities for relationship breakthroughs. The author introduces a strategic approach, emphasizing co-authoring a new narrative in the midst of a relational drama. The process involves steps such as describing the trigger event objectively, revealing personal interpretations without blame, genuinely inquiring about the other person’s perspective, and making requests that disrupt established patterns. The aim is to foster understanding, cooperation, and commitment to a new way of collaboration, steering away from repetitive, unproductive cycles of conflict.
Transcript
Drama. Drama. How to author a new story when you’re facing one of your tigers. If you haven’t gone back to see the video called Facing Your Tiger, you really should do that. That gives you more detail. But in essence, when there’s a difficult situation or person in our life, think of it as a tiger. And if you don’t face the tiger, it’s going to knock you down and eat you. If you do face the tiger, it still might eat you. But at least now you have a chance of creating a different outcome. The tiger will stop and think about it. So if you do decide to turn and face one of your tigers, how do you do it? What are you talking about? How do you possibly, possibly do that in a way that has a chance of using that moment, that possibility, to maybe change the pattern between you and the other person? Consider the fact that you are now in a drama with your tiger. It has a script, it has roles, it has. It has a predictable outcome and a finale. You know how it is. If you’re in a relationship with somebody at work or at home, they say something or you say something, they say something. And the rest of the script is on automatic for at least the rest of the night, for the rest of the weekend, for the rest of the week, for the rest of the day, the rest of your career, you know if it’s at work.
So drama is happening all the time, and you’re in one right now. You have a role. They have a role. There are certain things that you’re supposed to do and they’re supposed to do, and the outcome is virtually always the same. So if this is a tiger, it probably means that the outcome is not one that’s really happy for you, maybe not happy for the other person. So here’s what you can do. Here’s how you shift the drama. Another way to think of this is co-authoring a relationship breakthrough, a pattern interrupt in your relationship with the other first. The first thing is D—we’re going to go drama. D describe the trigger event, the thing that happened that set you off to the other person. Describe it in a clean way with no spin, no interpretation, just the facts. So the one thing you want to do is not say you’re always doing this, but come up with a specific example like, for instance, you don’t do it this way, this has spin in it. See if you can hear the interpretation. You’re late all the time. You know, I don’t think you’re committed to the team or the project. When we use this in our workshop, we ask people to put their thumb up like this, and we have them say, there’s a buzzer in front of you, and it’s a spin detector, and it sounds like this. And then we go one, two, three, and the group goes like that. So I like to teach this to our corporate clients because it’s a really playful way when somebody is talking to you to go, hey man, you’ve got a lot of spin, a lot of your interpretation, a lot of stuff in there that belongs to you and not to me.
Let’s start cleaning this up. A cleaner way would be to say, for the last three team meetings, we started at nine, and you came in around 9:30 or 9:45. Now that’s really clean. Now notice the same words, but you can put spin in it with your tone of voice. You could say this for the last three team meetings we started at nine, but you came in at night. You see what I mean? So you’ve got to find a way to describe the trigger to the other person in a way that doesn’t make them defensive so they can go, yeah, that’s true. That’s the facts. Yes. That’s what happened. You might have to go back and forth a few times in order to get to that point. And it’s very important that you start with that. Ah, drama. Ah! Now you reveal your world of interpretation. You go. You know, this is now what happened to you when that happened inside of you when that happened. And you own it because it’s your interpretation, you know, when that happened. Let me tell you what I thought. Actually, what I made up about it, I mean, that’s really the advanced class is to own it to that extent because I had thousands of possible interpretations, as you’ll see from the three worlds.
Check that video. But this is what I made up about it. In my world, you might not be committed to the team or to the project. I’m offering it as a hypothesis. That’s mine. I’m not saying you. I’m talking about myself. Kind of amusing out loud. This is what I kind of was thinking about when that happened. You know, when you came to the meeting at that time. This is what I made up. You describe your interpretation without blame or causality. You actually chose that meaning. I know it may not feel like it, but you had lots of different interpretations. If this was your very best friend, what would your interpretation be? So you made this one up, so own it. A now ask them what was going on in their world when that trigger happened, where were they coming from? What was happening over there? And then listen, as we say, 110% genuinely curious. Not like a salesperson, not like a teacher, not like a preacher, not like a judge, like an anthropologist. This is when you want to get really, really interested, genuinely curious about what might be happening in a person’s world. What if they really were committed to the organization, to the team? What might be happening that would have them come at 9:30 or 9:45 several times to a meeting that started at nine, get curious about it rather than assuming some blame-type interpretation. When that happened, what was going on in your world, and then show them that you heard what they said.
Paraphrase or mirror. Let’s say they said, you know what? I’m in a meeting that’s supposed to be over just before 9:00, and you know how the CEO is, you know how the department head is, and the meeting goes over and goes over, and I’m torn, because if I leave that meeting, that’s my boss. You know, I’m your colleague, but he’s. But he’s my boss. And so I end up staying there, and I’m. This is what’s happening to me, okay? Completely different thing than you might have thought. Now make a request that breaks the pattern and offer your support. What is something you could ask that person to do the next time that situation comes up? That would represent a mini breakthrough. Something breaking the pattern. You might say next time would you be willing to like send me a text message below the table? You know, come up with a code. So just send me, and you could say X or Y or Z. Just send me a Z, and I’ll know what it means that you’re. That you’re thinking about us and you’re doing your best to get out of that meeting or something like that. I’d be willing to do this. I’d be willing to go to your boss and say, you know what? We really need this guy’s input or this gal’s input in our meeting. And, you know, here’s the situation. And then finally, the last, the last M is to make a request that breaks the pattern, come to a new mutual understanding and commitment.
What’s the new way we’re going to work together that’s different from the old way? The old way was I’m just sitting there feeling guilty, and I know I should be over there. And you’re over there being upset, and this is what’s happening. This is the drama that we’re in. Let’s create a new one. And this is how we could do it. Finally, you a you agree to another conversation with a by when to check on how the new understanding and commitment is working. You say, okay, let’s see, this is a weekly meeting. How about we let’s go for two weeks and see how this is going. So let’s say that by Friday of such and such a week you actually put a by when that by that time you and I will sit down and take a time out and see how it’s going. Now here’s the secret here. It doesn’t matter what the A is, it doesn’t matter what the M is. When you make an agreement, make an agreement, it doesn’t matter as long as you agree to sit down and check it later because then you’re going to find out you’re going to incrementally move toward what’s possible in this situation. So co-author a new drama with new roles and a possible new outcome with your Tigers. Follow the drama to the drama process and give it a try. This has been. This has been very, very helpful to me, both at home and at work.
